I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
