Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
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Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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