i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
