if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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