I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
