found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
