If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
