sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
