Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
