I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
