Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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