we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
