; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
