I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
