Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
