ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We have so much sex to catch up on
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
