why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
