i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
