My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
