I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
