So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize