I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He felt like a one man threesome
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
