You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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