Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
