peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
