Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
