dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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