i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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