Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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