You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
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Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
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I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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