go do what you do best...puke behind churches
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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