I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
