I want to have your abortion
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
