best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
