what day is it and did you see me today?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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