Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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