You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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