I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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