I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
