I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
