if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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