this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
