she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
