Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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