This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
