Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
