I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
