you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
