I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
