she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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