Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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