Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
