Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
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