I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
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He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
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sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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