I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize